


Lysithea said cursing rights

by orphan_account



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: - Ashe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, And she's ready to kick all their asses if she has to, Annette is a feral child someone pls nerf, Bernie is right, Black Eagles in the house!, Blue Lions barely function, Chatting & Messaging, Dedue is a sweetheart as always, Dimitri is a drama queen, Dorothea is determined to expose him, Edelgard and Petra are possibly? They could end up being gay but we'll see, Felix and Ingrid have a brother and sister relationships, Felix said fuck Dimitri's rights, Ferdie is in denial about his gay lowkey, He really doesn't but-, Hubert enjoys making Bernie cry :(, Hubert is Edelgard's Platonic Bitch, Igantz and marianne are both messes, Like gay for each other, Linhardt stole Caspar's phone so-, Lorenz is secretly very dirty, Mercedes is their mom, Multi, The hoes are revealed, but the truth is, claude and hilda think theyre #1 mlmwlw solidarity, claude says no cursing, each house is gonna get a chat but we’re starting out with golden deer because they’re my favs!, fear the deer, igantz is babey, its rated mature because of stuff thats gonna happen later, leonie and raphael are #1 mlmwlw solidarity, this is gonna be a shit storm folks, watch out
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:40:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22996330
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: [College/Modern AU]In a college with three different dorms that like to see themselves as their own “houses,” chaos is sure to endure. Let’s hope that new professor in training doesn’t run off before things get interesting
Relationships: Caspar von Bergliez/Linhardt von Hevring, Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd/Dedue Molinaro, Felix Hugo Fraldarius/Sylvain Jose Gautier, Ferdinand von Aegir/Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Leonie Pinelli/Bernadetta von Varley, Lysithea von Ordelia/Leonie Pinelli, Lysithea von Ordelia/Leonie Pinelli/Bernadetta von Varley, Marianne von Edmund/Hilda Valentine Goneril, My Unit | Byleth/Claude von Riegan, Other Relationship Tags to Be Added, Raphael Kirsten/Ignatz Victor
Comments: 9
Kudos: 52





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello hello uwu I am very very excited to be posting this! I love chat fic and writing them but I haven’t found a fandom I’ve bee passionate about writing them in. Now as I slowly transition from Danganronpa (still into it) to Fe3h, I find that passion and now this abomination exists! Enjoy!

**ClaudeVonRiegan has created "Fear the Deer"**

**ClaudeVonRiegan has added 7 other members to "Fear the Deer"**

**ClaudeVonRiegan changed their username to "Big Boss Man"**

Big Boss Man: Welcome, welcome my little fauns 

LorenzHellmanGloucester: What in good heavens is this, Claude?

Big Boss Man: Ee proper grammar

HildaValentineGoneril: E w yucky

**Big Boss Man changed HildaValentineGoneril’s username to "Right-hand Wo-man"**

Right-hand Wo-man: uwu

Big Boss Man: uwu

LorenzHellmanGloucester: I already hate this arrangement. 

**Right-hand Wo-man changed LorenzHellmanGloucester's username to "Tea Time Bitches"**

Big Boss Man: No wait Hilda!! That's inappropriate!! 

Right-hand Wo-man: Gasp, you're right 

**Right-hand Wo-man changed Tea Time Bitches's name to "Tea Time B*tches"**

Tea Time B*tches: Words cannot describe the amount of dread that consumes me each moment I look at these messages. 

Big Boss Man: Okay good we have children here after all

LysitheaVonOrdelia: I have to agree with the sentiment in Lorenz's statement :/ 

LysitheaVonOrdelia: And I certainly hope you don't mean me Claude, otherwise you may not wake up tomorrow :) 

**Big Boss Man changed LysitheaVonOrdelia's name to "feral gremlin"**

Big Boss Man: Ofc I didn't mean you 

feral gremlin: Then who did you mean >:(

Big Boss Man: I meant Ignatz, he's only babey 

IgnatzVictor: Babey? 

Right-hand Wo-man: You summoned him!! The babey!! 

**Right-hand Wo-man changed IgantzVictor's name to "Certified Babey"**

Certified Babey: What do you mean when you say Babey? Like what about me is even babey? 

Right-hand Wo-man: Everything 

Big Boss Man: Everything 

RaphaelKirsten: Everything 

Big Boss Man: Raphael!! 

Certified Babey: tksjncudn

Right-hand Wo-man: Awh!! Look we've embarrassed him :3c 

Right-hand Wo-man: And hey Raph!! 

RaphaelKirsten: Hey guys :D! 

RaphaelKirsten: You okay Igantz? 

Certified Babey: bfm yes I'm fine 

RaphaelKirsten: Okay good ^^! 

RaphaelKirsten: Also where did Lorenz and Lysithea go? 

Tea Time B*tches: Rest assure that I am still here, it just didn't feel fit to interrupt such a conversation. 

Big Boss Man: Funny coming from someone who is kinda arrogant and likes being in the center of attention 

Tea Time B*tches: Excuse you, I'm not Hilda. 

Right-hand Wo-man: I- 

Right-hand Wo-man: Y'know what I'll let it slide that was a good comeback 

Tea Time B*tches: Thank you very much. 

Big Boss Man: H A I thought she was gonna kill you, lucky bastard you got out of it 

Right-hand Wo-man: Anyways! 

**Right-hand Wo-man changed RaphaelKirsten's username to "Certified Himbo"**

Certified Himbo: :O!!! 

Certified Himbo: Look now we match!!! 

Certified Babey: KHKFJSKFJSJ

LeoniePinelli: It looks like you've broken Ignatz 

Certified Himbo: D: is he okay?? 

MarianneVonEdmund: a h,,, I think he'll be okay? I mean,,, he did just drop all his art supplies though,,, 

Certified Himbo: oh no! D: 

LeoniePinelli: Oh damn, is the stuff alright? 

MarianneVonEdmund: Yes,,, it's all okay

Big Boss Man: well that's good then

MarianneVonEdmund: I helped him carry everything back to his room also,,, 

Right-hand Wo-man: Awh!!! Look at my cute ol' Marianne helping people out!! <3

MarianneVonEdmund: Jjfkcisnejdj 

LeoniePinelli: And now it seems that Marianne is also broken, goodness 

**Right-hand Wo-man changed LeoniePinelli's username to "Motherly WLW"**

**Right-hand Wo-man changed MarianneVonEdmund's name to "Literal angel"**

Right-hand Wo-man: Sorry took me a sec to think of names uwu

Big Boss Man: both are absolutely perfect 

Motherly WLW: Hey I mean, I accept it yes. Thank you Hilda for your contribution

Right-hand Wo-man: Always happy to serve mama

Tea Time B*tches: Woah there, don't want to accidentally trigger a Mommy kink, Hilda. 

Big Boss Man: LORENZ

Big Boss Man: WE HAVE CHILDREN IN THIS CHAT 

Tea Time B*tches: We're all college students, Claude. 

Right-hand Wo-man: S H U S H

Big Boss Man: I'll work out your punishment for that display of n a s t i n e s s later on 

Big Boss Man: Anyways @everyone 

Big Boss Man: :3c welcome to the Golden Deer Dorm group chat!!! 

Big Boss Man: As your ring leader 

Tea Time B*tches: Self proclaimed ring leader* 

Big Boss Man: I have decided to make a class chat so that we can all bond as a form and as house uwu

Motherly WLW: And?

Big Boss Man: And to show the Blue Lions dorm and Black Eagles dorm that we're better than them! 

Motherly WLW: There it is 

Tea Time B*tches: That is rather childish, Claude. 

Motherly WLW: But? 

Tea Time B*tches: But competition is always healthy! Let's show them who we are! 

Motherly WLW: There it is 

feral gremlin: Goodness, you really are motherly surpringly 

Right-hand Wo-man: Ikr, fitting username huh 

Motherly WLW: Nawh, I've just read y'all well enough that you've become predictable 

Big Boss Man: Thank you mother

Big Boss Man: Anyways! Let's show those ashe-holes who we're made of! 

Big Boss Man: Fear the Deer!! 

Right-hand Wo-man: FEAR THE DEER! 

Tea Time B*tches: Fear the Deer! 

Motherly WLW: Fear the Deer

Certified Himbo: FEAR!! THE!! DEER!! 

Certified Babey: Fear the deer 

Literal angel: fear the deer,,, 

feral gremlin: Well if everyone else is doing it 

feral gremlin: FEAR THE MOTHERFUCKING DEER!!! 

Big Boss Man: LYSITHEA _LANGUAGE_


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Black Eagles in the house

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yet another chapter very quickly! I hope you enjoy, I wrote this at 12 am

**EdelgardVonHresvelg created "Unnamed Chat"**

**EdelgardVonHresvelg has added 7 other members to "Unnamed Chat"**

**EdelgardVonHresvelg has changed their name to "Eagle #1"**

Eagle #1: Where are you, my bitches 

HubertVonVestra: Is that really appropriate to call us? 

FerdinandVonAegir: It's definitely right to call you that

DorotheaArnault: Yeah, Hubie, you're def Edie's bitch 

**BernadettaVonVarley has changed HubertVonVestra's username to "Edelgard's Platonic Bitch"**

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: …

BernadettaVonVarley: That is all I shall contribute,,, goodbye 

DorotheaArnault: Awh Bern :(( come back!!! 

FerdinandVonAegir: Alas, the fair maiden had left us

Eagle #1: Ferdinand, stop pretending to be het 

FerdinandVonAegir: ??? I'm??? 

DorotheaArnault: Accept the gay Ferdie, stop calling girls fair maidens when we know you wanna fuck their future husbands 

FerdinandVonAegir: WOAH THERE DOROTHEA- that is a rather vulgar assumption!! 

Ferdinand von Aegir: And you say that as if Bernadetta is going to end up with a husband 

**Eagle #1 changed FerdinandVonAegir's username to "Pray the Gay Away"**

Eagle #1: Except for you can't

Eagle #1: I see the way you look at a certain boy, Ferdinand von Aegir, you cannot run from your gay thoughts 

Pray the Gay Away: …

Pray the Gay Away: Excuse my improper language, Edelgard but 

Pray the Gay Away: Shut the fuck up, you don't know shit, and good day :) 

DorotheaArnault: Nawh she does, I showed her screenshots from The Hoes chat 

Pray the Gay Away: DOROTHEA THAT'S PRIVATE

DorotheaArnault: Sorry, I gotsta share the receipts :/ 

DorotheaArnault: The thing is, I've only shared stuff about you to Edie so hahahah she knows all your secrets 

**BernadettaVonVarley changed DorotheaArnault's username to "Fuck Ferdie's Rights"**

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: I mean,

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: :> accurate 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Ty Bern!! <3

BernadettaVonVarley: You're welcome,,, now don't mind me 

**Edelgard's Platonic Bitch changed BernadettaVonVarley's username to "Professional Lurker"**

Pray the Gay Away: Quite the fitting name! 

Professional Lurker: nooooooooo s t o p

Professional Lurker: Put it back,,, 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: I am not one for selfish vengeance but 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: This is pay back and it's not even that bad 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: Plus, what are you even gonna do to me, huh? 

Professional Lurker: Hubert, I swear next time I see you, I will start crying at you in public and actively making you uncomfortable

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: :^) Try me 

LinhardtVonHevring: The sound of crying woke me up from my nap-

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Wait fuck Bern actually started crying?? 

LinhardtVonHevring: Yep, sounds like her crying 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: Is it bad I'm even more motivated to change her name to something worse? 

LinhardtVonHevring: Probably, but I don't judge 

LinhardtVonHevring: Also I stole his phone today and he's currently struggling to look for it, but I'mma change his username now 

**CasparVonBergliez changed their name to "Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child"**

Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child: it me

Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child: Lin 

Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child: Don't tell Cas I have his phone ssshhhhuuussshhh 

PetraMacneary: hm! I had wondering as to why he has been rushing all over campus :0 

PetraMacneary: When I attempted to contact him, alas no answer

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Well, now we know why then. 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: And hey Petra ^^ 

PetraMacneary: Hello, Dorothea

Eagle #1: Oh, when did you get here Petra? 

PetraMacneary: Only but a few moments ago! 

PetraMacneary: And hello there Edelgard :D!! 

**Fuck Ferdie's Rights changed PetraMacneary's username to "Pretty Pretty Princess"**

Pretty Pretty Princess: Awh! Dorothea, I appreciate the name ^^ thank you 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Goodness, this level of cuteness is too much u//w//u 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Would you say so, Edie :) 

Eagle #1: …

Eagle #1: Yes I suppose- 

LinhardtVonHevring: Wow, I can't believe Petra's appearance really upstaged me 

LinhardtVonHevring: Eh, well I was able to squeeze in another little nap without having to worry about talking so no hard feelings there 

**Eagle #1 changed LinhardtVonHevring's username to "Snorlax"**

Snorlax: Original 

Eagle #1: Oh shush, I give great names 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: I think everyone's name has been changed? 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: Indeed they have, I checked the log and that's everyone 

Pray the Gay Away: I'm still a bit dissatisfied towards this name, but yes Hubert is right that everyone has had their name changed. 

Eagle #1: Shush, it's a great name 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: I second that

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: I third that :) 

Snorlax: H a you're gay

Pray the Gay Away: :( 

Pray the Gay Away: Goodness, what is it, bully Ferdinand von Aegir day

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Oh honey… that's every day :) 

Pretty Pretty Princess: Oh wait Edelgard! There is one task that has been missed

Eagle #1: What is it Petra? 

Pretty Pretty Princess: The chat name ^^ 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: :) 

Pray the Gay Away: :( 

**Fuck Ferdie's Rights named the chat "The Bully Ferdinand von Aegir Club"**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Black Eagle Usernames:   
> Eagle #1 - Edelgard   
> Edelgard's Platonic Bitch - Hubert   
> Pray the Gay Away - Ferdinand   
> Fuck Ferdie's Rights - Dorothea   
> Professional Lurker - Bernadetta  
> Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child - Caspar  
> Pretty Pretty Princess - Petra   
> Snorlax - Linhardt


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Blue Lions, how do they even function as a group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> O o p ya girl speed wrote this during school, I'm not sure what I should do for the next chapter bc I have a few ideas. Perhaps I'll put it into one big chapter? Who knows

**DedueMolinaro created “The Blue Lions”**

**DedueMolinaro has added DimitriAlexandreBlaiddyd to “The Blue Lions”**

DedueMolinaro: Alright, I’ve finally made it. However, unfortunately I am unsure how to add other contacts and I don’t have everyone else’s. 

DimitriAlexandreBlaiddyd: I’ll add them for you Dedue! Don’t worry. And thank you for creating the chat by the way

DedueMolinaro: Anything for you, Mitri

**DimitriAlexandreBlaiddyd changed DedueMolinaro’s username to “Big Ol’ Sweetheart”**

**DimitriAlexandreBlaiddyd changed their username to “Y a High-ness”**

Y a High-ness: Alright, perfect! I’ll add them now 

**Y a High-ness has added 6 other members to “The Blue Lions”**

AnnetteFantineDominic: OwO what’s dis

MercedesVonMartritz: Oh, a chat! What a wonderful idea

**FelixHugoFraldarius changed Y a High-ness’s username to “Boar”**

Boar: :( 

SylvainJoseGautier: Awwhh, Felix that’s not nice to Dimi 

FelixHugoFraldarius: Stfu I can do what I want 

Boar: :( 

Big Ol’ Sweetheart: That’s a little cruel, Felix. 

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

Boar: :(

MercedesVonMartritz: Dimitri, please stop spamming those faces so help me 

SylvainJoseGautier: Wait we can change usernames?

IngridBrandlGalatea: A little slow there Syl

SylvainJoseGautier: Y’know what, I’m gonna ignore that because you’re not gonna get me down 

**SylvainJoseGuatier changed their username to “All women are queens”**

**All women are queens changed FelixHugoFraldarius’s username to “If she breathes, she’s a thot”**

All women are queens: Now we match :D!! 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: …

IngridBrandlGalatea: Lmao, that’s gay 

AnnetteFantineDominic: Says the lesbian 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: I don’t know how to feel about this stupid username 

All women are queens: Well, keep it because now we match

All women are queens: Don’t you dare change it bitch- 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: I won’t, it seems the username is on lock :/ 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: Also since I have this as my name I’ll take the opportunity to… 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: Ingrid: *breathes*

If she breathes, she’s a thot: :) 

IngridBrandlGalatea: A S S H O L E 

IngridBrandlGalatea: I’m not the thot, Sylvain is 

All women are queens: You’re not wrong but :( 

MercedesVonMartritz: Please don’t pull a Dimitri and spam 

All women are queens: I won’t, don’t worry mama

MercedesVonMartritz: Ah yes, good my child

**AnnetteFantineDominic changed MercedesVonMartritz’s username to “Mama bear”**

AnnetteFantineDominic: Bc,,, your mom frend,,, 

Mama bear: I am satisfied with this uwu

Mama bear: Thank you Annie <3

AnnetteFantineDominic: No problem Mercie! <3

**IngridBrandlGalatea changed AnnetteFantineDominic’s username to “ginger baby”**

ginger baby: I… I hate it. No thanks 

IngridBrandlGalatea: You’re welcome 

**If she breathes, she’s a thot changed IngridBrandlGalatea’s username to “Bitch”**

Bitch: Fucker

If she breathes, she’s a thot: Bitch 

AsheUbert: Hmmmmmm that’s not nice 

Boar: :( it isn’t 

Boar: You guys are mean 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: Die mad 

Big Ol’ Sweetheart: Felix, can you please stop

Big Ol’ Sweetheart: Dimitri is crying just a bit 

If she breathes, she’s a thot: Ah shit

AsheUbert: Oh no, is he gonna be okay :(((

Big Ol’ Sweetheart: Yes, he will be. He’s just a bit dramatic

Boar: DEDUE

Boar: THATS NOT TRUE, I’M NOT DRAMATIC 

All women are queens: Okay comma Dimitri

Bitch: Okay comma Dimitri

ginger baby: Okay comma Dimitri 

Boar: You guys are mean :( I regret this chat 

Boar: Also I don’t like this name 

**Boar changed their username to “I’m :(“**

If she breathes, she’s a thot: I was gonna make a comment, but I feel like Mercedes or Dedue may kill me so I won’t 

Mama bear: Good choice :) 

Mama bear: Anyways!! Ashe still needs a name change!!

AsheUbert: N a w h… I’m good honestly 

All women are queens: Someone quick! Change his name 

AsheUbert: n O 

Bitch: One of us! One of us 

AsheUbert: I’d rather change it myself 

**ginger baby changed AsheUbert’s username to “Sorry, I don’t speak Broke”**

Sorry, I don’t speak Broke: … 

Sorry, I don’t speak Broke: :) Annette

ginger baby: :3 Ashe 

Sorry, I don’t speak Broke: Hey everyone just in advance, if you hear anything strange, like banging 

Sorry, I don’t speak Broke: That’s just gonna be me in the vents :) 

All women are queens: ASHE WTF 

ginger baby: ha ha, I’m in danger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blue Lions Usernames:   
> I'm :( - Dimitri   
> Big Ol' Sweetheart - Dedue   
> All women are queens - Sylvain   
> If she breathes, she's a thot - Felix  
> Mama bear - Mercedes  
> ginger baby - Annette   
> Bitch - Ingrid  
> Sorry, I don't speak Broke - Ashe


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Talk of the new professor gets around

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BRUH, I LIKE JUST FINISHED WRITING THIS, it feels right to just choose to immediately post rather than wait because I'm impatient-

**Fear the Deer**

Right-hand Wo-man: B R U H 

Right-hand Wo-man: HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW PROFESSOR IN TRAINING HERE???

Tea Time B*tches: Yes? 

feral gremlin: Indeed. 

Big Boss Man: Yeah, what about her Hil? 

Right-hand Wo-man: Headmistress Rhea is making her teach literally the biggest class we have 

Right-hand Wo-man: Aka the last we have with those stinky lions and those yucky eagles 

Big Boss Man: Holy shit- 

Tea Time B*tches: Goodness, quite a big burden to put on a professor in training. 

feral gremlin: That's a huge class?? What warrants her being put in charge of such a class

Literal angel: It almost seems cruel to have her take care of so many students,, 

Right-hand Wo-man: Ikr :(( 

Motherly WLW: Well, I've heard that she's the kid of one of the best alumni and ex-professors from this school so perhaps that's why. 

Big Boss Man: Who?

Certified Himbo: Yeah! Who is it Leonie! 

Motherly WLW: Wait, you don't know?

Certified Babey: Ah, unfortunately not

Motherly WLW: Well! That new professor, who's name is Byleth Eisner btw not just that new professor, is the child of none other than Jeralt Eisner!! 

Right-hand Wo-man: Holy hell!!?? Really??? 

Motherly WLW: Yep! I actually talked with Jeralt before she actually came here and he told me. He told me about her too and she seems like quite the enigma

Big Boss Man: Ooo! Well mysteries are all the more fun to figure out

Tea Time B*tches: I have to agree there with you there. 

feral gremlin: A first- 

feral gremlin: I sincerely hope she's capable. I doubt she'll do all that well in such a large class though. Regardless of who her parents are. 

Right-hand Wo-man: Lys got a point there 

Certified Himbo: Then we'll just have to see how she does!! 

Certified Babey: Maybe we can make things easier for her? Like try to be better so she doesn't have to deal with even more. 

Literal angel: I like that idea, I mean I was gonna do it anyways but,, 

Right-hand Wo-man: If my baby Mari is behind it, then so am I! Can't guarantee tho! 

Right-hand Wo-man: And since I agreed Claude has to too :3c 

Big Boss Man: ? How does that even work? 

Right-hand Wo-man: Don't question it, Clod

Right-hand Wo-man: Plus I have a feeling you'll wanna impress professor Eisner ;3 

Big Boss Man: I mean whatever you said Hil 

**The Bully Ferdinand von Aegir Club**

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: @everyone 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: So y'know what class we've been scheduled to have for months

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: The one meant to help us connect to the other dorms 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Aka the one with all three dorms in one class room (plus a few other students from what I've heard?) 

Eagle #1: Yes, Dorothea? 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: I heard from Hilda that the new professor is gonna be in charge of that class 

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: That's quite a bit responsibility to give to a new professor, one in training no less

Eagle #1: Yeah, not a very wise decision on the headmistress' part but :) not like we can say anything against 

Eagle #1: At least we'll get the chance to see the professor rather than having her only teach one of the houses

Pray the Gay Away: Edelgard has a point! I agree with the latter more so but still. 

Snorlax: I'm not excited for that class :// 

Pray the Gay Away: Oh why? 

Snorlax: 24 students in one class with possibly more? 

Snorlax: No way in hell will I be able to get a nap in :/ 

Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child: That's a lie! You can sleep through anything! 

Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child: … why this- 

Snorlax: :} 

Snorlax: Anyways, that's why. 

Professional Lurker: Oh god;;; 24 of us in one room;; I think I'll just stay in my room instead

Eagle #1: 1) Linhardt you're not in class to sleep, you're in class to learn 

Eagle #1: 2) Bernadetta, if you try to stay in your room, I will drag you out of it 

Professional Lurker: hhhh… I don't like the sound of that… 

Eagle #1: Then come to class 

Fuck Ferdie's Rights: Don't worry Bern! You can hang and talk with me to get your mind off of all the other weirdos in that class! 

Professional Lurker: … I guess… 

Snorlax: >:/// that's dumb 

Snorlax: wym it's for learning, why do I have to pay attention in this class when you let me nap in all of the other ones 

Eagle #1: We'll be in front of the other classes. This is our moment to show them how much better than them that we are. 

Pretty Pretty Princess: Oh! Competition! 

Eagle #1: Indeed, Petra! We will fight for the honor of the Black Eagles! 

Professional Lurker: … pardon me Edel, but I feel like you're taking this too seriously

Edelgard's Platonic Bitch: Nonsense, she's the perfect amount of passionate. 

Pray the Gay Away: Whatever you say I suppose- 

Eagle #1: >:/ We'll work on getting that spirit up. 

Eagle #1: Anyways, I look forward to seeing the deers and lions make fools of themselves. 

Eagle #1: And I'm very interested in meeting that new teacher. 

**The Blue Lions**

All women are queens: Sooooo 

Big Ol' Sweetheart: Hm? 

All women are queens: I just got word about that professor from my main maids, Hilda and Dorothea 

All womens are queens: Looks like we gotta deal with those fuckers from deer and eagles in that professor's class 

I'm :(: *professor in training

I'm :(: We likely should keep in mind the fact that when interacting with them 

Mama bear: Oh? Do you doubt in her Dimitri? 

I'm :(: Nope! Nothing like that 

I'm :(: Just a reminder so we can be easier on her 

If she breathes, she's a thot: If we're easy on her though, then she can't get the experience she would need to be a professor 

If she breathes, she's a thot: It's counterintuitive to do such a thing 

ginger baby: Oo p, y'all're talking all fancy 

Bitch: Big words from Felix, what a flex 

If she breathes, she's a thot: Shut up and note the username 

Bitch: >:( 

Sorry, I don't speak Broke: As much as I'd like to be the absolute best, Felix makes a point. 

Sorry, I don't speak Broke: We really can't be perfect angels or act any different necessarily because to be fair, the professor needs to learn how to deal with students. 

ginger baby: Agreed! We shouldn't be extra menacing though! 

Big Ol' Sweetheart: Yes, we should make sure to treat her with respect though. 

I'm :(: yeah,,, 

Big Ol' Sweetheart: What's wrong Dimitri? 

I'm :(: I don't wanna have to be in a class with other people 

I'm :(: I already get enough grief from having Felix in my life almost every day 

If she breathes, she's a thot: Bitch 

I'm :(: I don't need anyone else to call me a bitch

Mama bear: Awh! Dimi! Don't worry, I'm sure it'll be great! 

Mama bear: And if anyone tries to be an asshole to you in a non-joking way, I will break their fingers :) 

Bitch: Hot 

ginger baby: I second Mercie's statement! 

ginger baby: Even if there may be more close relationships within our group, we're all one as a house! 

Sorry, I don't speak Broke: Mhm, we'll all still stick together 

I'm :(: Wtf, you guys are too nice 

If she breathes, she's a thot: Don't worry I'll always be here to reign in the niceness and call you a bitch 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Golden Deer Usernames:  
> Big Boss Man - Claude  
> Right-hand Wo-man - Hilda  
> Tea Time B*tches - Lorenz  
> feral gremlin - Lysithea  
> Certified Babey - Ignatz  
> Certified Himbo - Raphael  
> Motherly WLW - Leonie  
> Literal angel - Marianne
> 
> Black Eagle Usernames:  
> Eagle #1 - Edelgard  
> Edelgard's Platonic Bitch - Hubert  
> Pray the Gay Away - Ferdinand  
> Fuck Ferdie's Rights - Dorothea  
> Professional Lurker - Bernadetta  
> Sonic and Fuyuhiko's love child - Caspar  
> Pretty Pretty Princess - Petra  
> Snorlax - Linhardt
> 
> Blue Lions Usernames:  
> I'm :( - Dimitri  
> Big Ol' Sweetheart - Dedue  
> All women are queens - Sylvain  
> If she breathes, she's a thot - Felix  
> Mama bear - Mercedes  
> ginger baby - Annette  
> Bitch - Ingrid  
> Sorry, I don't speak Broke - Ashe


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Golden Deer's Igantz is eager to make a good impression and The Hoes chat is revealed

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is shorter and sorry it took me a few days to finish it up. Past few days have been rough and it's ruined my creativity! I'm sorry I'll try to be better about it. Sorry this chapter low-key sucks as a result fjucndj

**Fear the Deer**

Certified Babey: I- 

Certified Babey: Where are you guys? 

feral gremlin: I'm right next to you, Igantz, you idiot

Motherly WLW: Lysithea that's mean, stop it 

Motherly WLW: And I'm on my way! Actually talking to Professor Byleth right now ^^

Big Boss Man: I'm outside the door and Hilda's over my shoulder so she's here too 

Certified Babey: Ah, okay I see you yeah

Right-hand Wo-man: Also Marianne is picking up a few supplies on campus for later from Professor Manuela so she's got an excuse 

Certified Babey: Okay so, myself, Lysithea, Hilda, Claude are here and Marianne has an excuse and Leonie is walking with the professor. 

Certified Babey: I know Raphael will be here in a second, he went to get something to eat

feral gremlin: Where is Lorenz? 

Certified Babey: I have no idea! 

Right-hand Wo-man: Oop! Wait Lorenz is no where to be found!? Admittedly I thought he'd already be here

Big Boss Man: I saw him at the dorm this morning so idk what's up with him 

Right-hand Wo-man: @Tea Time B*tches where tf are you!! 

Big Boss Man: @Tea Time B*tches

Right-hand Wo-man: @Tea Time B*tches

Big Boss Man: @Tea Time B*tches

Right-hand Wo-man: @Tea Time B*tches

Big Boss Man: @Tea Time B*tches

Tea Time B*tches: SHUT UP 

Big Boss Man: Lorenz!! You finally answer ya bastard!! 

Tea Time B*tches: Ignatz, to inform you, I am in the hallway, I am almost here. Also, Marianne was a bit ahead of me in the halls so she should be there perhaps. 

Certified Babey: She just ran into the classroom yeah. 

Tea Time B*tches: I apologise for not being there early. I am walking to class with a member of the Black Eagles. 

Certified Babey: It's alright! No need to apologise to me. 

Right-hand Wo-man: Oh? Whoever could it be that you're walking with owo

Big Boss Man: owo 

Tea Time B*tches: For your information, I had tea this morning with Ferdinand and we were in the library for a while before we decided to walk to class. 

Right-hand Wo-man: OOO 👀

Big Boss Man: 👀👀

Right-hand Wo-man: Lorenz… 

Tea Time B*tches: I already know what you're going to say, just told your tongue. I'd rather not have to deal with your teasing nonsense today :) 

Certified Babey: Hh, let's just leave Lorenz alone please? We need to focus on class more than him. 

Right-hand Wo-man: Finneee, I'll do it for you Iggy 

Big Boss Man: Darn it, just when the time was great.

Tea Time B*tches: Thank you Ignatz for making them stop. 

Certified Babey: Well, I only asked them to focus on class for now. 

Certified Babey: Unfortunately, you're not safe Lorenz. You're never truly safe : )

Tea Time B*tches: NMEJXNn

Right-hand Wo-man: OOP!! HA H IGGY IS RIGHT 

Big Boss Man: That was beautiful and low-key terrifying Ignatz, thank you. 

Tea Time B*tches: ANYWAYS, I'm here now and since you made me angry, I refuse to look at you or be near you, Hilda and Claude. 

feral gremlin: Are you sure that's not simply an excuse to sit next to someone from another house, Lorenz? 

Tea Time B*tches: Well, I mean the point of this class is to strengthen bonds with the other students. 

Right-hand Wo-man: Mhhhmmm okay 

Certified Babey: Well anyways, we've got almost everyone here. Raphael texted me and told me he's almost here and I assume Leonie will be here when the professor is here. 

feral gremlin: Why are you so concerned with everyone being here? 

Certified Babey: I want us to be able to leave a good first impression on the professor. I always get nervous about those kinds of things since first impression can sometimes make or break things. 

Certified Babey: And I don't want to give a bad impression nor risk any of you leaving a bad first impression either. 

Right-hand Wo-man: AWH IGNATZ 

Literal angel: How sweet of you,

Big Boss Man: Well! Let's hope we can keep up Iggy's wish then! 

Big Boss Man: Raph's here!! 

Certified Himbo: :D!! Hey guys!! 

feral gremlin: Raphael why are you typing? You're literally in the same room as us

Certified Himbo: You'd only hear me if I yelled given all the other students, plus for Leonie since she ain't here! 

Literal angel: Ah, I think that may change in a moment though, I'm pretty sure she and the professor are here. 

Big Boss Man: Yep! Now let's put our phones away! Just so we can actually listen 

Certified Babey: A very good idea Claude ^^ 

feral gremlin: For once :) 

Big Boss Man: Why you gotta bully me Lysithea 

feral gremlin: Cause it's fun 

Big Boss Man: Fair honestly 

**The Hoes Chat**

GoldenDick: Y'all I'm d e a d,, 

Big Tiddie: Oh

Big Tiddie: what's killed ya Claude? 

GoldenDick: TEACH,,

GoldenDick: I don't usually let ladies get a hold of me, but Teach is just killing m e

Big Tiddie: Our professor 👀 how scandalous

GoldenDick: She's really beautiful and she has such a mysterious aura like she's an enigma and I wanna figure her out!

GoldenDick: Plus I'd be dtf ngl 

Ride Em Cowboy: Goodness Claude, a rather vulgar thing to say about someone who is our TEACHER. 

GoldenDick: Yeah but she's like only a little bit older than us, it's not like I'm 15 and she's 36 

Bubblegum Bitch: Still pretty scandalous Claude (; 

GoldenDick: Says you Hilda, who's had a crush on a cousin before 

Bubblegum Bitch: HEY, he was like my fourth cousin plus I was like 7 and we didn't even do anything 

Bubblegum Bitch: Incest is grody I would never 

GoldenDick: Definitely 

GoldenDick: A n y w a y s

GoldenDick: I think this is my favorite class now :) 

Thot Patrol: Guess you've got your priorities str8 huh Claude

GoldenDick: I'm bi tho

Thot Patrol: Same 

Bubblegum Bitch: We know Sylvain 

Thot Patrol: I'd bottom to women and men 

Ride Em Cowboy: We know, Sylvain. 

Thot Patrol: >:/ don't act like you're better than me 

Ride Em Cowboy: Whatever do you mean? 

Thot Patrol: Lorenz, you could arguably be seen as a bigger bottom than I am 

Big Tiddie: Okay, Sylvain, that's going a bit too far. 

*Screams my own name during sex*: Agreed, while I'm not always fond of engaging in such topics, you're definitely definitely reaching here. 

Thot Patrol: :( y'all really said fuck my rights huh 

Big Tiddie: You're a bottom, you don't have any rights 

Bubblegum Bitch: Funny how we went from Claude thirsting over the professor to just berating Sylvain for being a bottom with no rights. 

Ride Em Cowboy: Let's just… get back to class please. This is very much a useless conversation to get into right now. Surely, it'll just spiral further. 

GoldenDick: Yeah! Let's shut up! 

Big Tiddie: Says the one who started the convo?? 

GoldenDick: S huusshhh 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Golden Deer Usernames:  
> Big Boss Man - Claude  
> Right-hand Wo-man - Hilda  
> Tea Time B*tches - Lorenz  
> feral gremlin - Lysithea  
> Certified Babey - Ignatz  
> Certified Himbo - Raphael  
> Motherly WLW - Leonie  
> Literal angel - Marianne
> 
> The Hoes Chat Usernames:   
> GoldenDick - Claude   
> Big Tiddie - Dorothea   
> Ride Em Cowboy - Lorenz   
> Bubblegum Bitch - Hilda   
> Thot Patrol - Sylvain   
> *Screams my own name during sex* - Ferdinand

**Author's Note:**

> Golden Deer Usernames:  
> Big Boss Man - Claude  
> Right-hand Wo-man - Hilda  
> Tea Time B*tches - Lorenz  
> feral gremlin - Lysithea  
> Certified Babey - Ignatz  
> Certified Himbo - Raphael  
> Motherly WLW - Leonie  
> Literal angel - Marianne


End file.
